What's today's date? How long has it been since I last posted? That should explain my situation just about right. Busy, busy, busy!
And I officially know, for a fact, that I'm no longer a spring chicken. The delusion of me being able to function properly with only four or five hours of sleep is over
The week preceding the three-day weekend--a rarity in my life with work, unexpectedly greeted me with staying awake til 2 or 3am in the morning. Between cleaning, reading, shopping, meditation class, preparing for the weekend, and the biggest culprit, my rediscovered zest for talking at length on the phone (and my chat partner knows exactly what I'm referring to), I was lucky to sleep more than 4 hours any night.
Then came the weekend.
Back in December, a group of friends from my kickball experience decided we needed a mid-winter break from the city and brought up the idea of going to the Poconos for a little winter outdoor activity and a guaranteed crazy, wild time with one another. Before you knew it, getaway day was here and I couldn't wait to bolt out of the city!
15 strong shared food, DRINK, space and good times in a house fit for kings and queens in the Poconos. We sang, we danced, we mosh-pitted, we bowled, we keg-stand (yes, all of us 25-35ish age-ranged folks did that). Some of us twice (including me). Some skied, some snow-shoed, some played ultimate foosball (guilty again) and more.
I believe the only thing we didn't get a chance to do was snowtube (damn the weather! Damn it to hell!)
Oh, and did I mention that we drank? Holy smoke! It's a miracle I didn't get sick from the many "socials" that took place over the weekend, especially with me tempting my alcoholic nemesis, Tequila. How many shots of T I did? Couldn't tell you, but as my friend Martin says, "Tequila make shit happen!"
As a New York City resident, you must get away from the hustle and bustle of it every once in a while, and this trip was right on the money. I didn't want to pay to hike through snow at first. It sounded like an unguided rip-off, but the experience was as beautiful and serene as it was introspective and challenging. It required some patience to get comfortable in those snow paddles and faith in the process of doing something and letting the value of it come to you in order to enjoy the moment.
It was life as it is, in a nutshell...which leads me to this.
For all the anticipation around this weekend, there was a touch of trepidation for me. Frankly speaking, the potential for "drama" and/or hurt feelings was very real thanks to events of the past I involved myself in within this social group. Despite the best, good and necessary efforts to assuage those issues beforehand, one can never truly predict what will happen when people get away from their everyday lives and let things loose. It was a test to see if people could return to place of friendship in a real, palpable sense and to see if I could handle that answer, whatever it is turned out to be. Traditionally, when I've been hurt by someone or a meaningful connection has been broken, I don't react in a manner that promotes healing or forward progress. I do a very unmanly thing and sulk about the situation.
So what happened?
I suspect there was (and maybe still is?) tension, distance and/or sippiness at times while I was in the Poconos directed towards me, and I'm certain I wasn't buddha-like at every instance. However, I didn't allow that awkwardness or lack of easy comfort that I used to have to disrupt a great time. If I was displeased with a person's tone or treatment, I simply went in another direction to do another fun thing. I took time to get to know other people within the group better than I did before the trip. I kept my mouth shut (not a typical action for me in this type of situation). I took different approach to a potentially uncomfortable, sadly familiar situation and overall, I'm proud of the result because despite my concern, I didn't allow that to stand in the way of my fun.
And of course, I chanted in case my fellow buddhists are wondering.
All in all, it was good times with good people that I feel even more comfortable with. It is was a experience I pleasantly won't soon forget.
Mel.
BTW, No compelling reason to update you on this week because it was a wash thanks to the Poconos! I paid for my good time for sure!
Time for a nap.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Changes? What Changes?
So I alluded to making changes in my life for the new year. Technically speaking, I started with these some changes in the latter part of 2007. Perhaps the biggest change/shift I have already made came about on December 23rd when I embraced Nichiren Daishonin Buddhism as a guidepoint for my life, after attending a meeting with a practicing buddhist friend who has inspired me with his countenance for some time. I'm not one of those "on-fire" types who goes gaga over the new thing they're following/listening to, but I've been steadfast in my efforts and it has been worth it.
Several people who know me and hear of me changing the core of who I am become VERY concerned, partly because it all seems to be coming about in a flood just as I was in the midst of a troubling time. Rest assured, folks. Most of the changes were events/ideas that had been mulling around in my head for years, in some cases.
How about a laundry list?
1. I have a tattoo on my right arm. It's chinese characters meaning "warrior" or "warrior hero".
2. Became a Buddhist. For most of my adult life, I had a feeling that priniciples found in Buddhist teachings had a destiny in my life path. So here I am, stepping out bold on that belief. So far, quite good and effective!
3. Challenged myself to be a better housekeeper. In public, I am well-kept for the most part, but at home? I am nasty bastard. So nasty, in fact, that I have prevented willing female company from coming over! Yeah, that disgusting! At 31 years of age, that's a damn shame. No excuses.
4. Started taking a Qi-Gong class every Tuesday. Qi-Gong is a chinese/Taoist meditation practice that's centered on your breathing as a means to heal one's self and to attain relaxation. This is another long-time aspiration of mine because I never felt I breathe properly, odd as that sounds.
5. Exercise. I can't get taller (thanks mom and dad), but I can work-out what I have, and watch what I eat to improve myself. I've neglected this for way too long and the image I've seen in pictures hasn't matched up with my own mental image of myself for years. General fitness is essential for anyone with a heartbeat, and I look good slimmer and with muscles, so it's time to cut the bullshit in this area.
6. Progressively removing aspects of my character that undercut/diminishes my masculinity. Without question, the most difficult, on-going alteration for me. For years, I thought I was doing the right things to win affection, love, and respect by being the nice guy, who was a cut above the jerks and man-whores that woman seem to complain about. The real story is (I believe, at least) inside those so-called jerks, man-whores and assholes is undeniable evidence of a MAN, not a guy or a boy. A lot of what I brought/bring to the table was/is good, but wasn't good enough in almost all my intimate dealings with the opposite sex. Not taking away the idea that some of my pursuits were bad pairings/poor choices/bad timing (very true as well), but I am convinced what a lot of women have/are communicating to me without saying it blatantly to my face is, I'm not a real man in their eyes. In some way(s), I forfeit my manhood with my behavior and actions (or lack thereof).
After years of observing, I find the adage is true: Nice guys DO finish last because somehow they let everyone know that they don't have any balls to sustain a woman's interest or their own. Good guys, however, do NOT finish last. They try to handle their business, be who they are regardless, are genuine and do for themselves in life...to mention a few. I refuse to become a jerk or asshole for someone else's favor if I can help it (and I can!), so being a good guy is my evolving objective. What I have been in the past and the results I have garnered, simply make me sick. I deserve much better and I'm trying to do things to get it in every aspect of my life. You can't blame the world or other people (nice guys do that all the time). It starts with the individual. Me.
These are my changes. I could go on, but it's past 2:30am and I should have been sleep hours ago. Plus, I'm certain I'll have more to share on this topic as time passes by.
Good morning : )
BTW, thanks to the people posting comments on my project here. Can't believe you were my first post Shasta! Blast from the past!
Several people who know me and hear of me changing the core of who I am become VERY concerned, partly because it all seems to be coming about in a flood just as I was in the midst of a troubling time. Rest assured, folks. Most of the changes were events/ideas that had been mulling around in my head for years, in some cases.
How about a laundry list?
1. I have a tattoo on my right arm. It's chinese characters meaning "warrior" or "warrior hero".
2. Became a Buddhist. For most of my adult life, I had a feeling that priniciples found in Buddhist teachings had a destiny in my life path. So here I am, stepping out bold on that belief. So far, quite good and effective!
3. Challenged myself to be a better housekeeper. In public, I am well-kept for the most part, but at home? I am nasty bastard. So nasty, in fact, that I have prevented willing female company from coming over! Yeah, that disgusting! At 31 years of age, that's a damn shame. No excuses.
4. Started taking a Qi-Gong class every Tuesday. Qi-Gong is a chinese/Taoist meditation practice that's centered on your breathing as a means to heal one's self and to attain relaxation. This is another long-time aspiration of mine because I never felt I breathe properly, odd as that sounds.
5. Exercise. I can't get taller (thanks mom and dad), but I can work-out what I have, and watch what I eat to improve myself. I've neglected this for way too long and the image I've seen in pictures hasn't matched up with my own mental image of myself for years. General fitness is essential for anyone with a heartbeat, and I look good slimmer and with muscles, so it's time to cut the bullshit in this area.
6. Progressively removing aspects of my character that undercut/diminishes my masculinity. Without question, the most difficult, on-going alteration for me. For years, I thought I was doing the right things to win affection, love, and respect by being the nice guy, who was a cut above the jerks and man-whores that woman seem to complain about. The real story is (I believe, at least) inside those so-called jerks, man-whores and assholes is undeniable evidence of a MAN, not a guy or a boy. A lot of what I brought/bring to the table was/is good, but wasn't good enough in almost all my intimate dealings with the opposite sex. Not taking away the idea that some of my pursuits were bad pairings/poor choices/bad timing (very true as well), but I am convinced what a lot of women have/are communicating to me without saying it blatantly to my face is, I'm not a real man in their eyes. In some way(s), I forfeit my manhood with my behavior and actions (or lack thereof).
After years of observing, I find the adage is true: Nice guys DO finish last because somehow they let everyone know that they don't have any balls to sustain a woman's interest or their own. Good guys, however, do NOT finish last. They try to handle their business, be who they are regardless, are genuine and do for themselves in life...to mention a few. I refuse to become a jerk or asshole for someone else's favor if I can help it (and I can!), so being a good guy is my evolving objective. What I have been in the past and the results I have garnered, simply make me sick. I deserve much better and I'm trying to do things to get it in every aspect of my life. You can't blame the world or other people (nice guys do that all the time). It starts with the individual. Me.
These are my changes. I could go on, but it's past 2:30am and I should have been sleep hours ago. Plus, I'm certain I'll have more to share on this topic as time passes by.
Good morning : )
BTW, thanks to the people posting comments on my project here. Can't believe you were my first post Shasta! Blast from the past!
Friday, February 8, 2008
The First step
Let me start by saying that this is a scary thing to do for a traditionally introverted guy who usually reserves his private thoughts for himself, trusted friends or a wall.
A failed attempt at romance and love, a kickball season in unlikely weather and circumstance, a new work position in the middle of a busy holiday season, a spiritual shift/decision, and a life-changing book has opened 2008 with a lot of revelatory information I've discovered about other people, about life and most importantly, about myself. The difference between now and any other time, however, is my willingness to face the not-so-pretty things swirling around in my life/personality and to expose them freely to faciliate sometimes difficult, but necessary change.
Ask the majority of people I know and they'll likely tell you that Mel is a good guy, a nice guy (BTW, the latter term I have developed a particular dislike for..more on that down the line). In general, that is true, but I will be the first to admit that I have many holes or flaws in my character as everyone has in varying degrees. However, it is apparent now more than ever, many of those holes/flaws are there because I have failed to see life as life is when it comes to dealing with people (women especially), overcoming adversity, getting out of my own damn way and frankly, being a man in full (isn't that a Tom Wolfe title?). It is clear that I am the one robbing myself of the sense of happiness I should have in life and preventing me from attaining those closely-held goals I have on the inside. The world, as crazy and dysfunctional as it can be, ultimately is not the problem. It is often my approach to living life that is.
So why a blog as oppose to a personal diary? This is the very question my best friend put to me a few days ago. Simply put, it is a challenge to be forthright to the world about stuff in my life that deeply affect me positively or negatively. Usually I hold such stuff on the inside and maybe over time reveal certain things to my closest friends and family as I mentioned above. I'm not saying I will divulge every single morsel of my life on this thing, but I will take on many of the issues that impact my life here. Some will be funny, wacky and happy. Some will be painful, sad, even angry at times. I fully expect the emotional gambit to play out here and I will not shy away from it nor mute it.
So I hope you will read about this guy, Melvin, who at 31, is trying to be the intergrated man he should be starting from the inside so he may affect new results in his life. I also hope you will post your thoughts/opinions/slander/hate mail/whatever. Be open and forthright--even if you must be anonymous.
Here I go.
A failed attempt at romance and love, a kickball season in unlikely weather and circumstance, a new work position in the middle of a busy holiday season, a spiritual shift/decision, and a life-changing book has opened 2008 with a lot of revelatory information I've discovered about other people, about life and most importantly, about myself. The difference between now and any other time, however, is my willingness to face the not-so-pretty things swirling around in my life/personality and to expose them freely to faciliate sometimes difficult, but necessary change.
Ask the majority of people I know and they'll likely tell you that Mel is a good guy, a nice guy (BTW, the latter term I have developed a particular dislike for..more on that down the line). In general, that is true, but I will be the first to admit that I have many holes or flaws in my character as everyone has in varying degrees. However, it is apparent now more than ever, many of those holes/flaws are there because I have failed to see life as life is when it comes to dealing with people (women especially), overcoming adversity, getting out of my own damn way and frankly, being a man in full (isn't that a Tom Wolfe title?). It is clear that I am the one robbing myself of the sense of happiness I should have in life and preventing me from attaining those closely-held goals I have on the inside. The world, as crazy and dysfunctional as it can be, ultimately is not the problem. It is often my approach to living life that is.
So why a blog as oppose to a personal diary? This is the very question my best friend put to me a few days ago. Simply put, it is a challenge to be forthright to the world about stuff in my life that deeply affect me positively or negatively. Usually I hold such stuff on the inside and maybe over time reveal certain things to my closest friends and family as I mentioned above. I'm not saying I will divulge every single morsel of my life on this thing, but I will take on many of the issues that impact my life here. Some will be funny, wacky and happy. Some will be painful, sad, even angry at times. I fully expect the emotional gambit to play out here and I will not shy away from it nor mute it.
So I hope you will read about this guy, Melvin, who at 31, is trying to be the intergrated man he should be starting from the inside so he may affect new results in his life. I also hope you will post your thoughts/opinions/slander/hate mail/whatever. Be open and forthright--even if you must be anonymous.
Here I go.
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